I got into NYU.

 

(all film caps by me, excluding photograph of JPL and FT)

I remember the day I fell in love with Jean-Pierre Léaud and François Roland Truffaut. I was fifteen, Truffaut was dead, and Jean-Pierre was Antoine Doinel, the adolescent. It was an honest love. A love of Paris, youth, and honesty wrapped together in a heart-aching package. I cried with Antoine when he was taken away with the prostitutes of the city. I felt hot tears trail down my face as a medium close-up shot of Antoine appeared, baring his soul in such a brutally honest and blunt way through his own tears. I can still watch 400 Blows and feel my heart well up when the images of Paris appear and Jean Constatin's music trickles in. I vividly remember when I first saw Antoine and Colette. I was almost sixteen and I received all of the Antoine Doinel films for Christmas. I had never wanted anything more. I watched A&C Christmas morning, with my dog at my side. I truly fell in love with Jean-Pierre Léaud then. From the beginning scene to the end. I knew that he was exactly my taste. Slightly thin, a unique face, surrounded by records and books. Truffaut made Jean-Pierre and Jean-Pierre in turn made Truffaut. Without each other, I don't know where they would be. Without these films, I don't know where I would be, who I would be.

[	Current Mood	|	sleepy	]
[	Current Music	|	Yann	]

Quiet footsteps
pumpkin loaf with secret cranberries
grape juice and cinnamon tea
throwing glitter into the sky from the roof
the wind cuts my cheek
and a rose grows from its garden:
five seeds and one handful of scarlet rose petals

Pussy Cat- Les temps ont change
Pussy Cat- Stop!
Pussy Cat- Mais Pourqoui

"You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past."

My legs ache. I'm reading a biography on Franz Kafka. My copy of The Metamorphosis is half English/ half German.

[	Current Mood	|	sleepy	]
[	Current Music	|	ce soir je vais boire	]

I don't really have much to say. I am saving up money for Camper shoes. I think I am going to watch a Rosselini film now, well after I fold laundry. I saw The Illusionist tonight. What a brilliant ending. An enchanting film. My grandmother is sending me a giant box of old films she bought for me this summer. I will probably cry when it comes. We aren't very close. It's nice to know that people care about you.

I miss Japan so much. I wish that I could close my eyes and be there again. I know I will return though.

I want to disappear.

From another letter to a dear friend:

I had my first nosebleed in three years today. The last time my nose bled was on my birthday. Today, I went to a market and bought a small bag of tea balls and a fistful of orange dahlias. They make me smile.

Do you remember the toy view-master? I loved my view-master when I was a girl. I think I had a new one and one from my dad's childhood. I always used my dad's circular slides. There were images of bright flowers, clouds in the sky, and I don't remember anything else. I had pictures of Alice in Wonderland. That was another favorite book of mine as a girl. I have felt very nostalgic lately. I miss bubblegum cigarettes, blowing bubbles, playing hopskotch, listening to the song "Here Comes the Sun" and "Across the Universe" every day, coloring books, and drawing pictures that might be ugly but are really beautiful.

I have really spent most of my day thinking about these things and listening to the song "She Smiled Sweetly" on my record player. I love that song. I listen to "Ruby Tuesday" every Tuesday morning when I wake up. It's funny, these things are so little but so significant to me. Do you ever watch the Turner Classic Movies channel? My dream job would be Robert Osborne's job. Whenever I watch a movie on that channel I feel that he genuinely cares about the film, the directors, the actors. I can tell that he loves what he does. I've been discussing modern cinema with a friend and we agreed on the point that generally a lot of directors are making films based on the audience, on what will sell in the box office- and the heart of the cinema has truly been lost. I think that the director should do it to please himself first.

I wish it would rain. I cross my fingers for it to rain. I blow my eyelashes and wish for rain. I want fall to come. To actually come so I can bundle up in sweaters and scarves, stockings and coats. I want to use my umbrella and take long walks. I love to walk in the rain. I think best when it rains. I love life the most when it rains. I love the sound of it, the smell, the way rain drops onto my hand. I sound so sentimental. I suppose I am.

I never want to understand hate. It is the ugliest thing in the world.